Yesterday i attended the Friday dharmma class, and due to some reasons, Dr Phang ,the speaker did not turn up that night so eventually those who attended the class were divided into groups and did some interesting discussion. Actually we were asked to look for the answer to the 3 questions:
1) How do u know that u are falling into a romantic love?
2) Is it ok to fall in love in campus?
3) Your opinion towards pre-marital sex.
I wonder whether is it lucky for me or not, previously when little, i got plenty of secret crushes, which i think it's rather "liking an idol" kind of like/admire. Seriously, somehow i think due to my family background, i never let myself to be easily fallen for anyone until i met with him/ or u (if u know who i mean, and happen to read this...), that since matric, the feelings is progressively deepened...And should i say thanks to u? -->ya, and i think that i feel i m now learning and growing more mature from the experiences and the emotions i had gone through from then, till now... =) thanks again...
How do i know if i fell for someone? I just know! =D, duh, it's not the normal attachment to one but this is so called "glue" to him d... We started with great conversation tat i never thought we were flirting or anything. Instead, he gave me really helpful aids as how a senior occured to give to a junior...Wonder if he would still remember of those moments, when we have a great chat together that sometimes, i would had unaware of the curfew my mum set for me, and broke the curfew for most of the time, just to chat, for ur information... So it shows now that i am nobody but merely a gal and perhaps worse, a disobedient daughter who once if has fallen for someone, would be stubbornly attached to it...?? Unbelievable, isn't it? From matric till now, that would be nearly 5yrs if it's to this end of the year, close to Christmas, that is when we were firstly got to know of each other...Seriously, i also dunno how I walk through this few year, particularly from when i started to know i got certain feelings towards him, then deeply fallen for him, then confirmly sure that i was fallen deeply for him and then feel very unease and shy when communication with him(especially when the heart beats extremely fast when talking of certain sensitive topics, as i would like to guess how he felt for me, and always curious of if he also had such feeling towards me... ).
Hence then, i always hope to get a chance to know how he felt towards me, and consequently, i knew that he likes someone whom that someone, was and is not me.Too badly, knowing that i got some evil sites to be exposed, the way i used to test his status also was kinda evil. Still remember well (i do), how did i got the chance to ask him about his crush and made myself overwhelmed by heat and blushed when some questioned being answered as though "she" was me, but the feeling of being pouring by someone with a pail of cold icing water from the top of your head to the bottom of ur feet surge into my heart once i realised from the answer he's younger than "her" and that "her" is not me... Sudden awakening, isn't this is what it is all about?
The incidence was when i was in the 1st year or near second year, still young and naif(towards this kind of thing), but that evening, I remember even though my tears did not fall, but some silly thing that had been done by me--> isolated myself from the hostel and went out to the carpark with the nature area, telling myself that i suppose to cry, if not to cry, then at least, maybe i should wish and pray for his happiness with her... Thanks to him again, i had a chance met with a big sister who is a medical Dr. now. And thanks to her for consoling me that time, as well as accompanying me for gaining some calmness after the shock, and hence, felt much better after that evening...
Knowing that news was not the end of the story. From then, i kept the feeling to him within myself and some of my best pals but dare not to let him know. Why? I knew that the possibility for us to get to be together has gone down to the bottom of the down site. This is the more critical time that i 've gta keep this to myself or i might lose him even as a friend, though. I missed the moment when he introduced me the song of Taylor Swift " Tears drop on my guitar" and explained of how pity the gal in the lyric was, and my heart went "Gosh, why must it is you who tell me the meaning of the song?" Still, even though :drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see ...... And yep, till now my answer is remain the same: i prefer a piano than a guitar... ;)
Going to 3rd year for him and 2nd yr for me, things started to be changed between us, especially when he's seemed to be busier and busier while after i knew that it's kinda hard for us to go further, i tended to try not to craving to him too much but focus on my activities and events that i sometimes over-focus to the activities till i neglected studies... Here, i would like to admit that it's my fault over-involving in the activities until wat had happened in my 2nd yr had been occured... But, most of the activities i involved in, i never feel regret for joining them, though...
And things has been going along this few sems after that...Which i thought that my feeling to him would not be faded(Actually it's not yet faded, but slightly reduced as with the addition of more rasional and unconditioned love inside, lolx and i do suspect it's a habit to love as well, hehe~~), along the way, what worried me no longer present (the "fear" of he will not even be my friend or he would have avoiding me after he knew how i felt for him ) as i managed to found out he still getting along well with a junior who confess her feeling to him--> impressive huh?
Perhaps i would feel awkward because of the gal dignity/ego/arrogant in me that i possess since young. Thinking of a normal gal should never lowered her dignity for confessing toward a guy, and MUST wait for a guy to initiate that step had stopped me from telling him how i felt for such a long long time... But then, that i found out we might possibly with a high chance to stay being friends, the worries no more, thus i braved myself to wrote to him and told him how my feelings towards him for so long...Boy, that letter was long indeed~~ =) In fact, i purposely chose an April's fool day to tell him, as a backup: if he can't accept it, i would have just tell him that was a joke i was kidding him.
The result appeared to me was he sounded unsure of the possibility but then after a second confirmation required, i got a "no" as the answer, plus the condition he said he is not good at such a kind of thing...So? Of course we still remain as friends till now, and to be honest, i was kinda upset when seeing him upset too...(if he knows) Knowing his feeling from his blog, i am not sure how's the progress between him and her, but i do sense his feeling and craving for her as i m oso in the condition to wear the same shoes as his... But what can i do actually? Besides praying for his happiness and encouraging him? Is there anymore things that i can do to show my concern towards him? I know, he doesn't like much of people to be busy body, and i dun wanna show my "over-concerning" or he would thought of me being just a "kepo" or someone who interupting ppl's privacy... Should i remain at the same step and just praying for his happiness with her? Only if she can appreciate him well? Anyway as long as they are happy, i will be happy for them... Ya, think that's all i can do... and writing this blog is just some sort of diary i would like to keep a record for my life... Din had the mood to sleep again, u know la, a peaceful night with sentimental songs can tend to bring in lots of emo feelings in oneself, especially emo ppl like me... no choice~~ Please do allow me to express my feelings here, thanks.
To draw a conclusion, actually it's can be said as easy and not easy to notice if you really love someone, or that's just rather merely admire or simply like. And to know if it's ok or not to fall in love of someone in campus, well if u were also in the condition i had faced, frankly speaking, it's ok if u can manage your love life and study life and make ur love life to be your motivation, but if you are the one who is like me--> emotional and unable to control of it, suggestion is to halt the feeling and focus of ur study now... Like what i am trying to train myself to be now...finished writing my blog and hopefully can get rid of it someday, soon, once if it can be diluted~~ good luck, all~~
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