That was how i felt last 5-7 months i think... Wanted to express some sort of feelings, but need to halt it at the tip of my lips from coming out... And then again, had to reverse all the words that almost to be voiced on the screen...
The courage, to initial a talk like last time, it's no longer that simple,especially after i dared myself to tell him how i felt. Wonder if that was a good or bad choice of doing so? The choice to allow him know how i feel? I think that feeling was not as bad as what i am feeling right now, right??? Letting him know how i feel about him is one thing, that i can recall, i was very scare to tell him and fear of the feeling especially knowing the fact that when it was getting close to know how was his response. But then , hey miss:since u already know tat guy gt a gal he likes, what u would be expecting? Be ready then... I know i am still and was very stubborn(if to think negatively), but determined? Or keeping on to be slightly positive? i dunno... Anyhow, i insited to ask for a reconfirmation, since he dunno how to answer a Yes or No question... LOL~~~
Things was still going on well, until up to date, today(1st Sept) i think?? Up to this night, at least until just now, that i felt things was alright, before i saw he posted in FB wall, saying wanted to "GTFO"... Am i that ANNOYED that he dare not told me from face to face that he's getting fed up to chat with me? Tell u wat, i rather u told me seriously and frankly than that u discuss behind me about my good and bad... Wonder if u are still wanting to protect ur own good image that u chose to "accidentally" let me know by commenting in ppl's wall like that so that i could coincidently "saw" it and stopped from "haunting" u?
But i really wondered: was it my problem for din asking u ur convenience to chat? However i remember i did asked, din i? I caan remember we did discussed before that, to be friends, must at least be honest and sincere with each other, isn't it? Now i need to start recall back our previous chat online, how many times that u really talked to me sincerely? I remember well during the last chat u told me : "PLUS YOU ARE TOO INNOCENT..." So? What was the point u wanted to bring out? That i was unable to differentiate who was being sincere and who was lying? I dunno anything about that, please, do tell me... =( if you were to meant my innocent is acting childish, perhaps u are right, but i dun feel anything wrong if i were to keep a sincere and genuine child-like thinking... Isn't it the children qualities of being able to be honest and able to simplified the thoughts is something what the ppl in the tired adult world desire of? Having a childish mind is not making the brain tired, because with the child heart, tat one can continue being curious and treat everyone equally without any bias...
Nevertherless, seriously at that night my heart was hurt, not because of the bad words, but because someone is not able to talk to me honestly, as if i m someone too soft hearted to take the words frankly from him... Just that moment, the negative emotions overwhelmed me,besides the sadness surged my brain, i realised the anger also sort of uncontrollably filled every single cells of mine. Nothing i could do but to end the conversation, feeling together the sense of being humiliated due to being discussed like an alien falling onto the earth. Sorry, but i really couldn't help it at that moment but to leave to grasp some air, please at least, please leave me some space to get away from there....
There was some seconds at tat moment such a thought did came to my mine: SKREWED UP, U ARE SCREWED UP... IS THERE STILL A POSSIBLITY TO KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP?? i know, due to my long-windedness, i finally irritated him... sure i was screwed up, not even being able to dare to talk with him again, or i might annoy hi some more... there' tat moment i blocked him and place him another side, just because i am not sure if i was able to stop myself from not to disturb him again, inorder to play safe... learn how to detach was and is a must...
But seriously to be honest, i hope tat we are still friends, at least can be the one who can share life opinions without any bias, that since i did being honest with you after the incident, i hope and appreciate if you were honest in interaction too! =) all the best to our friendship, to something pure genuine and without much adult life contamination, cheers~~ =) take care too
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